It was a feeling you would like to stay away from. Instead of me just staying away from it, I took a road trip.
On 23rd Mar, 2015 my soul mate expired. She was my autobiography. I lived for her. I survived my mental illness because of her. She died of cancer, and I am still dead in a place where happiness takes a lovely stroll. We were friends more than a mother-daughter duo. We shared everything, atleast I did. I even spoke about my first kiss with her, and she was not at all angry. She made me feel less guilty by saying that it's not that bad,we all make mistakes. Now, it's different, a life full of confusion, a life where guilt, sadness and happiness depends on your inner strength of understanding, not in tandem with your Mama's "don't you worry's".
We live a life of confusion when we have no hand on our head, when we have no elders to give us that love and support. We lost Ma that day. An awful night of hope and loss. Where loss defeated our hopes completely. I was left with my brother who has left her to God, but yearns for mother like a small child, however does not show at all.
With a mess in our lives not easy to clean in a day, we wait till time gives it a wash of another hope where we believe we shall see her someday. A thought you cannot run away from, cause you are stuck on a boat with water everywhere and you need a road to run away.
So on the 28th April 2015, I was on a road running away from that thought that we have lost a soul,who had given us so much that we could just not live without her. For 5 continuous years where she suffered from breast cancer, I took care of her like a baby, took her to Tata Memorial Hospital, and cooked for her. With 5 years of work on my head, and hoping to work some more for her, I lost faith in work, care, and love after her death. I didn't know what to do next. The third day of her death, I started looking out for jobs to keep busy. I didn't cry at her funeral, and my brother too couldn't. We didn't know what to do. After almost a month of her death my brother had to leave for a business trip to Alibagh and I would be alone at home. I was scared. I had nothing to do.
I booked a bus ticket to Nagpur through Redbus and was on my way to a trip unknown to me. I wouldn't know where I would be next. I was on a solo mission for peace and survival. I wanted to survive loneliness ironically by going solo. I wanted to gain peace through forgetting what happened, however it's not that easy.
With two days to pack my bag, and a ticket in hand, I didn't know what to do. In many instances in those two days, I wanted to cancel my ticket and stay where agony lies. Then again a road calling has to be answered by a wayfarer seeking peace and a feeling of survival after a bout of unhappiness on unhappiness.
I wanted to go, and by the end of two days, I didn't feel like staying at all. The house was an empty, dark attic of sorrows I didn't want to live in. So I packed my bags, and decided on a road trip I was unaware if I would survive.
With two small bags and a big one with me, I decided on taking a cab till the bus stop however with the distance so close, I had to walk it up.
